Heathens Academy 102 - 0 London Irish

The build up to this match had been difficult, training had been a bit off-form, things just weren't clicking. There was the major worry that this would be carried into today's match, and with such important fixtures coming up in the next few weeks, the last thing the lads wanted was a confidence-destroying performance.

Pre-match team talks from the best looking coaches in Hampshire helped to put things into perspective and together with an emotional two minute silence the players were more than ready to do what they do best.

From the kick off there was pressure on Irish's defence, with a finger-tip interception preventing a first-minute try. From the resulting play, Jon Dawes remembered the crime of leaving the opponents 22 without points, and the humiliating punishment it carries, and so slotted a drop goal. Heathens had set out their stall, they were intent on playing fast paced, but intelligent rugby. It wasn't long before the Irish try line was breached, and from there on out the flood gates opened. All the players were on fine form, Dawes orchestrating, Patrick, Elsmore and Gedge bulldozing, Clark smirking, and the pace men disappearing like a blur into the sunset.

Even a sudden downpour could not dampen the spirits as Rhys White bought a bit of sunshine into our lives with a four-try haul. The Heathens management took full advantage of the rolling subs to put Conor Snell on a hatrick so yet another round is on Chris, who – after his time as a cocktail waitress in Sydney, after he went missing from Ramsay Street having got swept to sea and lost his memory – will be most prepared.

There was a couple of ASBOs handed out unfortunately, one to Aaron Harrod who after being spotted handing off with more power and direction than a Ricky Hatton KO punch declared "Illegal?! I've been doing that for years!" and one for Rhys, who suddenly forgot he was playing for heathens and believed he was in fact Sebastian Chabal, throwing the Irish winger 10ft in the air, just a fraction late.

All in all there were fifteen tries, twelve conversions and a drop goal. Johnny Tourettes apparently scored some points, but I can't remember them so I won't bother writing anything more about that. To be fair, he probably day-dreamed them while re-gelling his hair. There was also further good news in the recovery of our Chinese exchange player from injury. Hopefully we'll see him back throwing those ridiculous dummies, and maybe he'll get a new story so we don't have to relive that one tackle that happened years ago any more.

Tries: Clark, Field (2), Snell (3), Wrightson, White (4), Dawes,Collard, Barnes, Paterson
Cons: Dawes (9), Clark (3)
Drop Goals: Dawes